


The Worst Courier ever

by lazbobthing



Category: Fallout: New Vegas
Genre: Gen, Old fallout kinkmeme fill called the Worst Courier Ever, Pure Crack, Starts out as tiny crack snippets then turns to plot and story, The spiritual Prequel of Inquisitor Bob
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-08
Updated: 2016-05-08
Packaged: 2018-06-07 01:54:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6780598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lazbobthing/pseuds/lazbobthing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A long, long time ago, on a falloutkinkmeme prompt that was basically "How would you react if you were the courier?" I began a series of fills that I called the Worst courier ever. These are those fills.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. CourierBob; the beginning

-  
Arcade knew he was being watched. It wasn't a nagging feeling, or the sensation of eyes upon him, that alerted him to this fact.

No, it was the person poking their head into his tent occasionally, squealing and squeaking in decibels that must have hurt the ears of all canine beings in a 5 mile radius, randomly, that's what tipped him off. 

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeohmahgaweeeeeeeeeheeeheeeheee~"  
Speak of the devil. 

\---  
The Burned man, aka, Joshua Graham finished his spiel, and looked down at the unimpressive and somewhat nerdy looking Courier.

"Do you have anything to say in reply?" he questioned archly, a tad bit smug. The girl furrowed her brow for a moment, then looked him straight in the eyes.

"Your voice gives me a raging lady boner." The courier stated, in a matter of fact- sort of tone.  
Joshua's brain promptly broke.

-  
"-And that's how we managed to drive back the Legion." Chief Hanlon finished, with a storyteller smile.  
The courier beamed.

"You remind me of my grandpa! Only, sans the 'I-will-kill-you-with-my-brain' personality." she chirped happily.  
Hanlon's face?  
Priceless.

-  
"You have got to be the most tactless individual I've ever met." Arcade stated in a deadpan.

"That's bullshit! I ain't that bad!" the Courier vehemently protests.

"You ran up to Julie Farkas, thrust your fist into the air, and told her she had a bitchin' Mohawk."

"....Okay, maybe I am that bad."

-  
"What's your name again?" The courier asked Vulpes, distracted by the Legion Mongrels, who upon seeing her, had ambled over, and begged for attention. She happily sat down, and began giving scritches and pets to both dogs.  
The legionaries looked annoyed and embarrassed by the hounds' behavior.

"I am Vulpes Inculta-" The man with a dead animal on his head began, in his creepy-cold-rape-and-pillage-you-later-voice.

"Vulpix?" The Courier bleated, looking up at him owlishly. 

"Vulpes."

"Vulpiss?"

"Vulpes."

"Vulva?"

" VULPES." 

"Voltron?"

" THAT IS NOT EVEN CLOSE."

-  
"You know, this Caesar guy seems kinda retarded to me."  
The courier said randomly, sipping at a nuka-cola. Boone and Arcade stared at her. 

"Is that a statement, or have you lost your internal monologue?" Arcade asked slowly.

"Feh. Never had one to begin with. And it's it more like a theory, then a statement." She 'psh'ed, ruffling her dirty blonde hair absently.

"Cuz, y'see, the real Caesar, who lived like fuckin', a million years ago, was killed by his associates and died like a bitch, with a gasp of 'E tu, Brutus'. And he was called Julius Caesar, and iff I'm remembering this shit right, he was rumored to have had a homosexual affair with a king named Nicomedes, but that might have been just an attempt of character assassination by his political rivals." The courier mused absentmindedly. 

Silence. She looked up, and blinked owlishly at the dumbstruck faces of her companions.

"....What?" She squawked, bewildered. When she got no reply, she huffed, and shouldered her thermic lance.

"Whatever. When you guys are done being all agape and shit, I'll be over there, exploding mantises with my shocky stick." she grumbled, ambling over the hill.

-  
"Annnd then, as the bald old fuck was bitching at me, I was all like, You can toss my salad Caesar, I ain't gonna do shit for you! The look on his face, it was fuckin' breathtaking, his eyes were all bulged out and, and, his jaw liked hit the damn floor!" babbled the Courier, to an amused and slightly amazed Joshua Graham.

"I'm surprised he did not kill you on the spot." Joshua replied, quietly amused by the vibrant, almost maniac energy the girl emanated. 

"Hey, me too, I expected a displacer glove shoved up my ass, but then he just got bitchy, called me a pathetic, fat teenager, and after that it kinda gets blurry, but I'm pretty sure heads ended up exploding, and then I placed C4 all over the place and blew that thing all the damn way to Orion's belt, or sommat." The Courier summarized, with a careless grin. Joshua felt a tiny bit of fear rise up within his gut.

"You're a little bit dangerous, aren't you?"  
The courier merely grinned in reply.

-

The courier stood, before Hoover dam, with all her allies and companions, who were going over the attack plan. She was clad in a bizarre amalgamation of armor, and wielding a hunting shotgun, and a thermic lance. And holy fuck, was she bored.

"Awright, fuck dis shit." she growled, standing up.

"Courier, what do you think?" asked Arcade, clad in enclave armor. The group turned to the short teen in question.

"You know what I think?" she began, grinning mischievously.

And suddenly, she was GONE, bolting forward onto the dam.

"AWRIGHT GUNS UP,LET'S DO THIS- LEEEEEEEEEROOOOY JEEEEEENKINS !!!" the Courier roared, her battle cry echoing throughout the area.  
The group stared, stunned.

"Oh my god she just ran in." Arcade bleated weakly.

"Save her!" Veronica yelped.  
And the entire group pelted after the wayward courier..

 

The courier felt like crying. Or blowing something up.

She stepped over the pile of Lobotomites she had just wasted, her head ringing, and covered in blood.

She turned towards the Think Tank, panting and filled with rage.

"Fuck, YOU, and FUCK, YOUR STUPID, SCIENCE!"  
She screamed, shaking with a maniacal fury.  
The courier stood there, for a moment, before whirling about, and stalking off into a random direction.

-  
The courier grinned, as she waited in the Elevator to the Sink, an occasionally clinking bag help in one hand. She could hear her favorite of the Sink's inhabitants now, rolling back and forth. 

"Guess who's got a shitload of coffee muuuuugs?" she sang, swaying into the Sink.

Muggy practically teleported to her, babbling incoherently.  
The courier raised the large bag, and beamed at Muggy.

"50 mugs, count em, 50 coffee mugs for ya, lil buddy!" she chirped, crouching down to his level.

"Oh my GOD- I love you, you are my soulmate, gimme gimme gimme!" Muggy begged, bouncing on his wheel. The courier giggled, and obliged the unstable little robot.

"You, are like, my favourite securitron ever. Fuck the rest of em, you're the coolest one of all!" she told him firmly, and Muggy promptly burst into simulated tears, hugging her leg.  
The rest of the Sink's occupants 'aww'ed silently.  
The kodak moment was promptly broken by one of the Toaster's megalomaniac rants.

-  
"Jaaaaw-Shua." the Burned man jerked, and looked up, to see the Courier looming over him.

"Yes, what is it now?" He asked, slightly surprised he hadn't heard her approach.

" I got a question, how come Caesar called himself Caesar?"

Joshua blinked. 

"Why do you ask?"  
She grunted a little, tilting her head.

"Because Caesar isn't really that foreboding a name. If he wanted to model himself after a terrifying roman emperor, why didn't he pick Nero, or even worse, Caligula?" She said, defensively.

He stared at her. She huffed.

"What? It's a legitimate question. Caligula went down as one of the most perverse, evil, sadistic people in history! The original Caesar was an asshole, too, but Caligula fucking participated in Rape parties, where he and a bunch of other romans would go and RAPE people! Plus, dude fucked his own sister, then tried to make her into a Goddess! Caligula was way more batshit monkeyfuck insane!" she snapped, hands on her hips.

Joshua just kept staring, his left eye twitching minutely. The courier threw up her hands, and walked off in a huff.

"Why does that keep happening?" she could be heard grumbling.

-

The Courier dashed into the courtyard of the Sierra Madre, with several ghost people on her trail.

"WHY DO HORRIBLE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME AT CASINOS." she yowled, barely dodging a cosmic spear.  
Elijah's hologram flickered on, and she knew the old bastard was watching her distress.

"FUCK YOU! You old motherfucker, I've no fucking idea why Veronica likes you so much!" The courier snapped, running in circles around the fountain, the Ghost people following her every move. 

"Veronica? You-You know-" Elijah's voice spluttered.

"CAN'T TALK. FLEEING." 

-  
"Whadda mean you don't want back in my skull!" The courier hollered, glaring daggers at her brain. Möbius was puttering around in the background.

"You must be stupider then I thought, Christ girl, YOU ARE DANGEROUS! I'm sick of us running blindly about that GOD DAMN desert, playing Hero! I happen to LIKE BEING ALIVE!" her brain snarled back, the light flashing angrily.

"OF COURSE I'M STUPID, ASSHOLE, I'M LACKING A FUCKING BRAIN!" she shrieked, flailing violently.

"Look, there is NO WAY I'm going back into your skull, no way, no how-" The brain began hotly, but the courier cut it off.

" ....Please?" she asked quietly, her voice small and sad. Her eyes went big, welling up, and her lips started to wibble.

"-Aww, fuck. God damn it. Fine. Stop with the puppy dog eyes." Her brain grumbled. The courier snapped back to normal.

"YAY." 

-  
"So, why can't you leave this place again?" The courier asked, staring at Michael Angelo.

"I just can't, I'm agoraphobic, Dr.Ortal told me that when I broke my arm." The former vault dweller said nervously.  
The courier narrowed her eyes, and frowned.

"You can't leave because there's a button you have to push every so often, right?" she stated, and everyone stared at her.

"I'm sorry, what?" Michael stuttered, massively confused.

"I KNEW IT! KATE WE HAVE TO GO BACK! YAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" she boomed, throwing her arms into the air, and running out the door.

Boone face-palmed.

"Uh... Is that normal? Or is she insane?" Michael asked hesitantly.

"Yes." Arcade dead-panned, following the Courier.

"Hey King!" the courier sang, bouncing into the gang's building, an amused Arcade and Raul following. Rex was at her heels, barking happily.

"Hello Miss Courier! And Rexie! You look as good as new!" the King greeted, beaming as the cyberdog ran up to him, wagging his tail like crazy.

"Rex got a new brain! And I brought my friend Raul, who was around before the war! He knows the name of the guy you guys all try to emulate!" The courier cheered, dragging Raul into the room.

The King and his subjects all froze, staring at the old Ghoul.

"You're kidding!" The King uttered, in disbelief.

"You're sexy. But seriously, no." She laughed, winking at the handsome gang leader.

"Si, I remember. His name was Elvis Presley, and he was one of the greatest Rock and Roll musicians of all time." Raul stated dryly, looking amused. The courier grinned savagely.

"And this means I WIN our bet! Pay up!" she crowed, pumping a fist in the air.

The King sighed, and stood up, walking over to the courier.

"Miss Courier, will you do me the honour, of accompanying me on a date?" He asked, with a amused smile.

"No. But I know one miss Julie Farkas would gladly accept if you asked her." The courier preened, with a matchmaker smile. The King went red.

"R-Really? You sure?" He asked eagerly, slicking back his hair. The courier tapped the side of her nose, with a grin.

"Go get her, handsome." she told him. The King members all cheered, and catcalled, as The King stood tall, and strode out.

"That was actually quite nice of you, Courier." Arcade observed.  
She merely shrugged.

-

 

"Hey, wait up a second." Arcade said suddenly, striding up to the Courier, as they left the Lucky 38, just after they had gotten Yes-man installed.

The shorter blonde looked up and over her shoulder at him, blue eyes questioning.

"What's up, Arcade?"  
He scratched the back of his head, more then a bit nervously.

"What's your goal, here, exactly?" He asked awkwardly. She blinked, and stopped entirely, turning to face him entirely.

"Honestly? Create an Independent New Vegas, ruled by a council, one that cares about the needs of the people, and protects them as well. I'd also like to set up a liaison system that reaches out to other Independent counties." She said, in a matter of fact voice.  
Arcade took a moment to take it all in, then nodded.

"In that case-" he began, only for her to hold up a hand.

"If you're going to confess your enclave background, chill. I already knew, and the knowledge does not make me think of you differently." Courier admitted shyly, fidgeting a little. The older man looked dumbstruck.

"How?" He voiced eventually, getting over his shock. She hesitated, but sighed.

"I have no idea. I just...know things. Things I'm probably not supposed to know. I know something about almost everyone in this damned desert, and beyond." she confessed softly, looking strangely vulnerable and insecure.  
Arcade stared at her. Then,

"Prove it."  
She blinked at his challenge, and replied easily.

"Your father's name was Israel, and he was a member of a squad that consisted of Cannibal Johnson, Dr Henry, Daisy Whitman, Judah Kreger, and Orion Moreno. Caesar was born Edward Sallow in 2226, and his father was killed by raiders when he was young. Robert House was the founder of Robco industries, and his brother inherited the family business H&H tools-" she stopped suddenly, and clutched her head, whimpering.  
His instincts as a doctor took over, and he was at her side in an instant.

"Tell me where it hurts and how." He ordered, his brain struggling to comprehend just how much she knew about him.  
Pained grey-blue eyes looked up at him.

"My head, it burns, like someone spilled acid on my brain!" she hissed, fingers digging into her skull.  
The agony continued for a brief 30 seconds, before she collapsed against the taller blonde, panting weakly. Arcade could nothing but hold her, like he would a little sister.

And then a Brahmin wandered by.

Arcade and the courier's faces were pretty much ಠ_ಠ.  
-

"You sold me out! You little bitch!" Alice McLafferty screeched at the Courier, the teen idly staring at her with Lily, Cass, Veronica, and ED-E at her sides.

"You mad, bro?" The Courier asked calmly, with a troll smile.

ED-E beeped suddenly, and blared strange music. All stood perplexed, until a man began to sing,

" -Trolololo la, la-la-la, la-la-la-  
Lolololololololo, lololololololol, lololololololol, lololo LOL!" ED-E blurted.  
The courier collapsed, laughing too hard to stand.

-  
"Come on Courier, I want to see Elder McNamara!" Veronica mock-whined, grinning at the younger, comically shaped woman.

"How does you dragging me by the arm make that happen any faster?" Courier whinged back, with a childish pout.  
She received a swat upside the head for her logic. Eventually, the two found themselves in front of the door to The Elder's area.

The door slid open, and Veronica hustled inside, still dragging the Courier. The man behind the  
desk looked up, and smiled at Veronica.

"Welcome back, Veronica. I see you've brought a friend." he greeted smoothly.

"HNNNNNNNGGGHHHH." elegantly said the Courier.

The Elder, and the two guarding paladins were very much startled by the loud, violent, incoherent outburst.  
Veronica just laughed.

 

"FuckthisSTUPIDSHIT." yowled the courier, as she stormed into the presidential suite of the Lucky 38.

"What crawled up your ass and died this time?" Cass drawled from somewhere at the bottom of a moonshine jug.

"I'm sick as SHIT of being called the Courier! Fuck anonymity! I want a god damn proper name!" the short blonde screeched, swooping around the suite like an angry, flightless pterodactyl. 

"Then pick one. I don't see why it's such a big deal." Boone grunted, from where he was polishing his rifle.  
The courier spewed nonsensical put downs in his direction.

"Fuck it. I shall henceforth be called, from this day on..." She proclaimed dramatically, taking on a majestic royal stance.  
The group stared at her in anticipation.

"Fear me, for my name is Bob!" she boomed.

Even Lily face-palmed after that.


	2. Where it turns story-like

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bob returns to Zion, tangled with white legs, and takes Joshua Graham to the Big MT.

"What the FUCK-" screamed the courier who shall forever be known as Bob from now on.

"YOU MOTHERFUCKERS AIN'T SUPPOSED TO HAVE ANTI-MATERIAL RIFLES!" She screamed at the attacking White Legs, who were massively confused.

After all, it's not every day you get attacked by a comically misshapen midget woman.

"It's shitty enough that cuz of you assholes I'll never get to see Joshua again, but fucking AMBUSHING ME? AGAIN?! I'm fucking using 'Oh baby!' on you pussy bastards!"she snarled, pulling the large, incredibly bloodstained super Sledge out of nowhere.  
A white leg bone-breaker leapt at her, his mantis gauntlet raised high. She swung Oh Baby up high, and slammed it down upon his skull, sending his now dead body to the ground.

Two more flanked her, one wielding a fire axe, the other a shishkabab. The young woman ducked, and spun the super sledge above her head, smirking when she heard both her attackers scream.  
Feeling cocky, Bob straightened, and turned back to where she assumed the remaining White Leg was.

She was promptly shot in the shoulder with a 45 caliber SMG, by one of the three new arriving white legs.  
Time seemed to freeze.  
And then her world exploded in pain.  
A low keening scream began to issue from her throat, quickly rising in pitch until the shriek of agony echoed throughout the entire valley.   
And it rose even higher, until the white legs were clamping their hands over their ears.  
And then she stopped.  
She collapsed to her knees, hands scrambling weakly at her shoulder, eyes bulging out, beginning to hyperventilate.  
She fell on her side, as three shots rang out, the white legs falling dead. Faintly, she heard approaching footsteps, and Bob's eyes rolled up.

"J-Joshua..." she managed, gasping like a drowning man for air. The burned man kneeled by her, with sad eyes.   
She weakly pulled the Big MT transportalponder out of her pocket, and held out her other hand.  
Joshua took her much smaller hand in his, and she pulled out the device, pulling the trigger.  
And the world went dark. (for her)  
-  
Joshua stumbled, whirling around. He stared, jaw dropping, at the expanse of Big Mountain, through the forcefield. He heard the door behind him slide open, and he cursed, spinning around. He ran in, following the trail of blood, and entered the room, just as the Courier entered the Autodoc. 

"Courier!" Joshua bellowed, beating on the Autodoc door.

"'m name is...Bob..." the Courier mumbled, halfway unconscious. 

"Sir, beating upon the Autodoc will not help Madam recover any faster." The datatable spoke suddenly, and the former Legionnaire suppressed a yelp.

"He's right, citizen! You must let your friend undergo healing!" chirped a menacing looking node on the wall.  
A tiny securitron rolled in, with a cute mug as a face.

"What happened? Do you have any mugs?" it asked frantically, pulling on Joshua's pant leg.

"Man, would all o'ya just shut it for a moment, ya dig? We've got a newcomer." Came the wise yet melodic voice of the Jukebox, from the other room. 

"Come in here, Stranger. I'll tell ya what's the haps." He crooned, and Joshua obliged.

\---------  
It was the next morning that the Autodoc slid open, and a woozy, but fully healed Bob wobbled out.

"Joshua?" she whispered, looking around. 

"Your gentleman friend is asleep on your bed, madam." the Sink central intelligence told her softly. She ran a hand across it, whispering back,  
"Thank you, Clark."

The formerly overweight  
(you try staying fat in the post-apocalyptic world) teen tip-toed into the bedroom. She peeked in, and meeped quietly, at the sight of Joshua Graham asleep on her Big MT bed.

She fidgeted, insecurities kicking in, and she huffed at herself, turning on her heel. The petite, shaggy haired blonde made her way down to Klein's lab.

"Hey squint-tanks!" She greeted, trotting in.

"LOBOTOMITE! OUR SENSORS DETECT A MALE IN YOUR QUARTERS! EXPLAIN!" boomed Klein, hovering over to her speedily.

A very red Bob spluttered back,

"He's a friend of mine! A colleague if you will! I need to talk to you all about something!"  
The Think Tank's inhabitants hovered over, their curiosity intrigued.  
Bob assumed the stereotypical hands-on-hips-listen-to-me-or-die pose.

"First off, I absolutely forbid lobotomizing or performing any organ extractions on my friend. Secondly, have any of you invented a technology that can regenerate skin back to it's original state? My friend's body is literally covered in third degree burns." she stated firmly, with an authoritative glower.

"Cell regeneration, ey? That was another of MOBIUS' specialties!" Dr.Borous proclaimed dramatically. Bob's expression lit up, and she grinned.

"Excellent! I better go see him then!" She chirped, turning on her heel, and walking right into Joshua's chest. She squeaked, grabbing onto him so as not to fall, and slowly looking up.

Derpy ice met vibrant blue.

"Er. Hai?" she offered weakly, with a sheepish smile.  
Next thing she knew, she was swept up in his arms, with a startled 'bwah', being hugged within an inch of her life.  
The look on her face was priceless.

"You foolish, careless girl! . Never do that to me again!" his voice whispered harshly, clutching the petite blonde to him. 

"I...what? Do what?" Bob bleated, dazed.

"Don't let yourself get injured." He amended, pulling back slightly, looking her in the eyes.  
She blinked owlishly.

"But I get injured all the time. I mean I got shot in the head, I pissed off a swarm of Cazadors, I killed Caesar in his own camp, I nearly choked to death in the Sierra Madre, I've had my damn brain, heart, and spine removed by these jerks behind me, I was nearly mauled to death by a pack of deathclaws, survived a howitzer bombardment, I don't even remember how many times I've been stung by giant radscorpions, and how can I forget the seemingly endless legionary assassin squads..." Bob rattled off, oblivious to the growing protective rage upon Joshua's face.

"Hell, I pretty much expect to die any second, with all the crap that happens to me." she mused, with a morbidly thoughtful expression.

"That does it. I'm never leaving your side again." Joshua ground out, an eye twitching.

"WAT" Bob yelped, eyes bulging out of their sockets.

"AHEM." Dr.Klein coughed. Bob face-palmed, and the introductions began.

"Remind me again, why we are doing this?" Joshua shouted, as the intrepid duo ran from a particularly large Robo-scorpion.

"Valid reasons! Trust me!" Bob yelped, ducking a laser beam.  
Joshua refrained from remarking on that comment, barely.

"I see you! Now, I end you!" the scorpion bellowed.

"Ohgodjust-FUCK! Into that cave over there!" Bob screeched, narrowly avoiding getting turned to ash, and pelting towards a random cave. Joshua followed, a bit warily.

"I hope this one is more hospitable then the last cavern." He growled, wincing at the thought of that gigantic bloatfly. Bob giggled nervously in reply, brushing past the wooden door.

-  
The cave turned out to be more of secret supply/camp then either could have predicted.  
Joshua took his time combing through the medical supplies, knowing he'd need them for later.   
Bob wandered about, looking at every single thing with interest.

"Oooh! Holotapes!" Bob said suddenly, popping up.

She popped the first tape in her pip-boy, and pressed play. 

" ...don't want to argue philosophy with you. Brotherhood are preservationists. Tech in the wrong hands, it's dangerous. Mojave's proof."   
Bob blinked, and tilted her head.

"That's Christine. I can tell, even if the voice is different." she said softly. Joshua looked vaguely intrigued.

"No denying that. Proof's here in this crater, all around us. Your tribe, the Brotherhood - haven't met many of you. Wanted to. Thought you might be the last chance for the Mojave... the West. The East. But you're all the same mind, obsessed." 

The unknown man's voice hit Bob like a truck, and she collapsed, clutching her head, and keening low in her throat, like a wounded dog. Joshua was at her side in an instant, deft hands quickly switching the holotape off.

"What's wrong?" He asked softly, hesitant to touch the shaking girl. 

"Th-I-I just-" she stammered, raising her pale blue eyes to meet his own. 

He could not help but stare. She looked wide open, and helpless.   
It was the most vulnerable he'd ever seen her.

"...that voice...I don't know who that man is....but I think he was my entire world once...." she whispered, looking like a lost little lamb. 

Joshua was unprepared for the spark of possessive jealousy that arose within his stomach, and his gut clenched. He stubbornly pushed the feeling down, and gently hugged the timid Bob.   
She meeped, and he smiled into her shaggy hair, finding the sound adorable. 

"I think it's best we stay here for the night." Joshua murmured, and she nodded slightly.

-

Joshua was awoken by the strumming of a guitar. He opened his eyes, to find Bob sitting on the sandbag barricade, an old guitar on her lap. She noticed him staring, and grinned sheepishly.

"Sorreh. Did I wake ya?" she whispered, and he smiled.

"Do not worry about it. Please, continue." Joshua murmured soothingly. Bob blushed, but began playing a soothing, western sounding tune.

"Take my love, take my land,   
Take me where, I cannot stand..." She suddenly began to sing, her voice husky yet strong. 

"I don't care, I'm still free,  
You can't take the sky from me!  
Take me out, to the black,  
Tell them I ain't comin' back.  
Burn the land and boil the sea,   
You can't take the sky from me...  
There's no place I can be,  
Since I found Serenity...  
But you can't take the sky from me..."  
She sang, a serene smile upon her face.

"You have a lovely voice." Joshua remarked, opening his eyes.

"Not really, but thanks." Bob replied, tucking the guitar away somewhere.  
Joshua blinked at her blunt dismissal.

"Up, be getting! Daylight has arrived." Bob ordered, with a careless grin.  
Joshua obliged with a smile.  
-

"Ffffucking FINALLY." Bob roared, throwing her hands violently into the air, as they entered The Forbidden Zone.

"Are you going to tell me why we're here, now?" Joshua asked lightly, amused at her outburst.

"Not likely. HEY~" she replied blithely, before dashing up to the BIGGEST ROBOT SCORPION HE'D EVER SEEN-

" JESUS CHRIST BOB!" 

The teen, who had monkey'd her way atop the scorpion, peeked down at him.

"What? It's dead, jeez." she scoffed, and the former legate twitched in reply, staring at her with a mix of rage, protectiveness, and frantic concern.

"Chil-Bob. Please. Get off. The giant. Scorpion." Joshua managed, strained.

Bob stared at him weirdly.

" I killed this thing myself, Jaaawshua. Have ye no faith in me?" she stated, with a petulant look. 

Joshua face-palmed.

Bob clambered and scrambled about on the robot scorpion corpse for a good 3 minutes, before sliding down, and dancing up the stairs. Joshua was close at her heels, torn between hugging her, and scolding her.

Upon entering the Lab, they were set upon by the old, half blind Dr.Möbius.

"Doctor Mooooooobiuuusss!" Bob cheered, bouncing forward.

"What? Oh! Hello there you! Come to visit?" the old Brain exclaimed.

"Yes! This is my friend Joshua!" She grinned.  
Dr.Möbius turned his monitor to look the Former Legate over.

"You appear to be INjured! I know I left the regenerator around here somewhere..."Möbius proclaimed, circling the Burned man, and then floating off.

Joshua stiffened, and slowly turned to face a now nervous-looking Bob. 

"Bob, did you plan to get shot?" He asked lowly, the embers of a dangerous fury flickering in his vibrant blue eyes.

"Wh-what?" she stammered.

"Did you orchestrate this whole adventure?" Joshua hissed, taking a threatening step towards the courier.   
Bob backed away, trembling, eyes wide with fear.

"N-no! Who the fuck plans to get shot?! I came back to Zion because I thought I could help you!" she snapped, with a fearful anger.   
Joshua halted, staring at her with an indecipherable look.

Bob shakily stood her ground, scared, yet still defiant.

"You told me yourself, the pain from your burns never goes away! I was sure that there was a way to heal you, here at Big Mountain! I didn't fucking plan on getting jumped by fucking White Legs! All I wanted," she paused, rubbing at her eyes, lest angry tears fell,

"All I wanted was to take away your pain, Joshua. That's fucking it. Nothing more, nothing less." She finished, chest heaving.

The Burned man stared at her, at a loss for words.   
His silence seemed to anger her even further.

"Fuck you too, you bastard! Excuse me for trying to fucking HELP! " She screamed at him, her face distorted into an ugly, hateful expression.   
The petite teen abruptly turned on her heels, and stormed out of Möbius' lab.

 

When Joshua found Bob, she was perched upon one of the catwalks in the room of the Giant Robot scorpion.

He stared up at her, guilt and self-hatred rising in his gut.

"Bob..." He sighed, and she flinched, snapping her head to glare at him. 

"Come closer, I dare you." She rumbled, baring her teeth in a animalistic snarl. 

He frowned at her, and her expression darkened even further.

"Go away, Graham. I'm listening to those Holotapes I found." Bob stated coldly, shifting further into the shadows.

Joshua stiffened at her tone, and the use of his last name.

"Bob, I'm sorry-" He tried, but to no avail.  
The sound of a door opening alerted him to the fact that Bob had left the building.  
He sighed.

-

Bob stared sullenly out over the expanse of Big MT, sulking, and trying to distract herself. An errant tune flittered through her mind, and she closed her eyes, letting her imagination take the wheel...

-weird daydream is a GO-

Bob: I love the mountains.  
Boomers: We love to fly!  
Powder Gangers: We love to attack towns.  
The King: I love my cyber hound.  
Bob: I love the Mojave, and all it's sights and sounds.  
Great Khans:Boomdeyada,   
First Recon: Boomdeyada, Goodsprings:Boomdeyada, Boomdeyada!  
Vulpes: I love the Legion.  
Colonel Moore:I love the NCR.  
Tommy Torini:I love to dance and sing,  
Swank: I love to ring-a-ding!  
Bob: I love the entire wastes, and all it's crazy things.  
Prim:Boomdeyada,   
Freeside:Boomdeyada,  
Novac:Boomdeyada, Boomdeyada!

-end of weird daydream-

Bob jerked out of her daze, with a look of ಠ_ಠ.

 

A few hours had passed, with no sign of Joshua looking for Bob.

The teen cautiously made her way back to Möbius' lab, lurking in the shadows.

Once inside, there was no sign of the Burned Man.

"Dr.Möbius? Where'd Joshua go?" she asked, trotting over to the old brain. 

"I have no idea, my dear." Möbius replied cheerfully, floating away.

"How charming and unhelpful." Bob muttered, vaguely irritated. 

Suddenly, a hand fell upon her shoulder, and she screeched, whirling to face the owner of the hand.

Bob froze, her jaw hitting the floor, and her eyes going wide.

Joshua stood there.  
Without.  
His.  
Bandages. 

"...holyshit..." Bob whimpered, her knees promptly turning to jelly.  
The formerly burned man's expression turned to concern, and before she could blink, he was in front of her, hands on her shoulders.

"What's wrong? Bob, are you alright?" Joshua asked, worriedly.

"I-I-I just-you-...." Bob stammered nonsensically.

"What? Spit it out!" He urged, leaning close to her. 

" FUCK-YOU'RE ORGASMICALLY GORGEOUS." The shaggy blonde exploded, throwing her hands into the air uselessly.

Bob went completely red, clapping her hands over mouth.

Joshua went pink.

Möbius presumably consumed more mentats. 

An awkward silence later, Bob coughed, and turned around, fidgeting.

"...So, yeah, that happened."  
She mumbled.

"Perhaps we should make our way to the Mojave, then." Joshua replied eventually, still slightly pink in the face.

"But what about the Dead Horses?" She asked, with a confused expression.

"I have taught them well. They will survive. And I vowed not to leave your side, did I not?" the former Burned man murmured, with a fond smile. Bob went red again.

"That is going to happen a lot, isn't it?" Joshua asked, resigned.

"You bet your sexy ass it is..."

 

The ruins of the Mojave drive were silent, as usual. Prospectors had long ago picked the ruins clean, and only the occasional mole rat family ever passed through the area.

The silence was abruptly broken as a swirling blue beam shot down, materializing two figures, and then disappearing as quickly as it had come.

The shorter figure promptly fell on their face, and whined incoherently into the dirt.

"That...was quite possibly, the most unsettling sensation I have ever felt in my entire life." The taller figure said faintly, doubling over, as he fought off waves of nasuea.

"Ennnnnkkkk-fucking hate that, sucks so much ass, hate hate hate HATE." The prone individual wailed angrily, painfully getting to her feet.

"Where are we, exactly?" The man asked archly, turning to his female companion.

"We're just a bit south of the graveyard that was Nipton." The girl replied, fiddling with her pip-boy, then striding towards said graveyard. 

"C'mon, Joshua, it's a long way to New Vegas, so let's rock and roll." She called over her shoulder.

He followed with a smile.

-

"You mentioned before, something about companions waiting for you." Joshua said suddenly, after an hour or so of travel. Bob glanced back, a smile appearing on her round face.

"Hmm? Oh yeah. There's a few people waiting for me." she replied blithely.

"Tell me about them?" he asked.

"Well...The first one I met is ED-E. He's a modified eyebot I found and fixed up in Primm." Bob began, falling back to walk alongside him.

"An Eyebot? Rather unusual for the Mojave, I have heard they used to be plentiful in Virginia." Joshua remarked, with an intrigued look. 

"I met my second companion, Rose of Sharon Cassidy, or just Cass at the Mojave Outpost. She owned a Caravan, that got ransacked by Van Graff thugs. Woman can drink the greatest of drinkers under the table." 

Joshua tilted his head, nodding for her to go on.

"I know, right? My third companion I met in Novac, which we might pass through. Name's Craig Boone, he's a former First Recon sniper, and he's the one who taught me how to snipe. His pregnant wife was taken by the Legion, and was subsequently killed. He hates the Legion probably as much as you."  
Bob rambled.

"I should expect some tension, then." The former Legate murmured. The teen nodded.

"After we helped out Boone's friend Manny, we ended up at Black Mountain, and ended up doing this crazy rescue mission to free Raul Alfonso Tejada, a Latino ghoul who's been around since before the war." The teen continued, taking a moment to present a friendly mole rat with pets.

"He sounds like an interesting man."

"After Black Mountain, we ended up at the 188 trading outpost, where I befriended Veronica Santagelo, a Brotherhood of Steel scribe. She's mega awesome to banter with." Bob prattled on, as they passed by Wolfhorn Ranch.

"A brotherhood scribe? I suspected that the Brotherhood of Steel were still within the Mojave, after the Helios disaster." 

"Mmmhmm, been to their bunker, their elder is a sexy beast. After that, we headed off to Boulder City, where after a small hostage crisis, sent us towards Vegas. We ended up going through Freeside, and we got mugged by three crazy old ladies, and I got shanked. At the old Mormon fort, while they were stitching me up, I met Arcade Gannon, who is like the big gay brother I never had. His background is Enclave, born into, but never was an active member." she trailed on, with a swing on her walk.

 

"After Arcade joined up, we got Rex the Cyberdog, and soon after Lily Bowen, a Nightkin who thinks she's everyone's grandma!" Bob finished, spinning on her heel, and looking expectantly at Joshua.

"You seem to befriend the most interesting characters, Bob." Joshua murmured, impressed.

"I attract interesting people." She quipped back, with a devil-may-care-grin. A light breeze sent her shaggy hair fluttering.

A tumbleweed rolled by.

"Wel-OH SHIT TUMBLEWEED." Bob roared, chasing after the errant weed with a maniac fervor.

"....The hell?" was all Joshua could manage.

"YAHAHAHAAHAAA! MINE! BITCH!" Bob hollered happily, eventually trotting back with the tumbleweed firm in hand.

"Er." Joshua replied, watching her with concern.

"Yaaaa~When I'm a walkin' I strut my stuff, and I'm so strung ouuuuut~!" the teen sang joyfully, dancing around, still holding the tumbleweed.  
This did not lessen Joshua's concern.

\------------------------  
Time skip  
\-----------------------

After successfully persuading Bob to drop the tumbleweed, the two continued on for a day and a half.  
(Joshua made sure to burn the tumbleweed, just in case.)

The intrepid duo were nearing Freeside at this point, much to Bob's delight, and Joshua's unease.

"Hey, maybe we'll see the King! He's hot and friendly! Or Julie Farkas! She stitches me up for free, cuz I helped Freeside out a lot!" Bob babbled, as the north gates of Freeside came into view.

She stopped abruptly, noticing the unease in Joshua's expression.

"Who kicked your puppy?" Bob asked bluntly, raising an eyebrow.

"Kicked my-?" Joshua started, a little bewildered. He glanced down at Bob's face, and let out a heavy sigh.

"...Are you sure your compatriots will not be angered by my presence?" He murmured, a bit self-deprecating.

"Honestly? Boone might be abrasive and a bit murder-happy, but everyone else will be fine, and if they ain't, fuck em." Bob said firmly, poking Joshua right in the Kevlar vest.

Her confidence and trust in him made the former Legate smile, which caused Bob to go red, again.  
The shaggy haired blonde whirled on her heel, and meandered confidently towards the gate. Joshua could do naught but follow, with a fond smile.

After that, it took barely 15 minutes to reach the Strip.

" KNOCK KNOCK MO'SACRA! I'M BACK VEGAS!" Bob roared, jumping up and down and pumping her fists into the air violently.

"Indeed." Joshua chuckled, letting a grin loose at the exuberant teen.

 

Joshua almost felt as if the Walls of the Lucky 38's elevator were going to close in, nervous as he was. 

He felt like a young man going off to meet his beloved's parents, as bizarre as that sounded.

"....Okay." Bob said slowly, giving him a weird look, and he flushed, realising he must have voiced his thoughts out loud.

"I apologize."He muttered, flushing pink. Bob made an 'eeeeeeee' sound, grabbing him around the waist in a hug.  
He blinked, but hugged her back, a smile gracing his face. 

The elevator slowed to a stop, as they broke the hug, and the doors slid open. Bob stepped into the Presidential Suite, cautiously looking around.

"Heeeeeelllllooooo?" She called warily. 

SLAM. Several doors opened abruptly, and Bob was promptly set upon by a crowd of angry people.

"Oh MY GAW-" she bleated, flailing wildly.

"Uh...is this normal?" Joshua asked awkwardly, raising an eyebrow.

"You have no idea, boss." A accented gravely voice said, as a ghoul walked up to him.

"Ah, you're Raul Tejada, right? Bob has told me all about you." Joshua greeted, holding out a hand.  
The old ghoul shook his hand, a bit bemused. 

"A pleasure, I'm sure. Who are you?" Raul replied, with a half-smile. 

"My name is Joshua Graham." 

The weird group-mass that had consumed Bob froze.   
Bob squirmed her way out, looking incredibly ruffled and dazed.

"The hell? Did I just get laid?" She mumbled, staggering over to Joshua.

"I'm sorry, but did you just say Joshua Graham? As in, the Burned Man?" The tall blonde wearing a Followers coat demanded, green eyes ablaze.

Bob turned back to the group, tilting her head.

"Yeah, he's Joshua Graham, the former Burned Man. Met 'im in Zion, saved my life. So in turn, I put the former in his title of the 'Burned Man'. What of it, Arcade?" She retorted, a warning tone in her voice, her stance shifting.

"Bob, he's a fucking Legionary!" A man with a red beret snarled, stepping forward. Joshua scowled, and took a step towards the group.

"Judge not lest ye be judged. I was once the Malpais Legate, you are correct in that. Then I cost the Legion the Dam. Caesar had me covered in pitch, set aflame, and thrown into the Grand Canyon." He intoned, shoulders stiff.

"I have been baptized twice, once in water, once in flame. I am well aware of the atrocities I committed, of the brutality I enforced upon innocent souls. I know there is a place waiting for me in Hell. Nothing but the grace of God can ever redeem my tainted soul. All I can do for the rest of my days, is atone for my endless sins. Hate me if you must, but your hatred can never compare to the utter loathing I hold for myself." Joshua finished, a weariness in his vibrant eyes.

Silence reigned, many of the group's anger diminishing.

"I jizzed." Bob said simply.

Everyone face-palmed. 

Even Rex.

 

Author's note: I feel like letting all y'all know that there will be no eventual romance in this little fic!verse. None at all. Just awkward friendship and weird platonic relationships for Bob.

 

"I'm going to Gomorrah, anyone wanna come with?" Bob hollered, as she stood in front of the Lucky 38's elevator.

"WHAT?!?" Joshua and Arcade demanded in unison, appearing out of nowhere. Bob flailed mildly at their sudden appearance, but huffed. 

"What? I need to see the head Omertà, Cachino. He offered to let me ride on his brahmin." She said defensively.

"WHAT?!?!" Joshua and Arcade roared, the two men sharing murderous expressions.

"Again, what's the big deal? He has a pet Brahmin, or so I'm assuming. No big deal." Bob huffed dismissively.   
Arcade spluttered incoherently, and Joshua pulled out his gun.

"Ookay. Cass, Veronica, wanna go to Gomorrah?" Bob offered to the two, who were peeking out from the Kitchen.

"Hell yeah! Cause of you, I get free drinks there!" Cass cheered, strutting over. 

"I'll pass, Raul's got this cool idea to modify my power fist!" Veronica said cheerfully, popping back into the kitchen/work room.

"Awright, guess it's just you an' me Cass." Bob noted, turning back to the elevator.

"I'm coming too." Joshua and Arcade chorused, with matching looks of murder. Bob raised an eyebrow, but said nothing, ambling into the elevator.  
Cass snickered.

\---///------/////-----////------

The foursome walked into Gomorrah, the greeter made to accost them, but saw Bob, and drew back quickly. 

"Sup Seamus? Where's Cachino at?" Bob greeted, ambling over. 

"He's in Zoara." The Greeter replied, in a clipped, strained tone.

"Awesomesauce. Thanks." Bob chirped, ambling past the tense greeter.  
Her companions followed close behind, Cass splitting off when they passed through Brimstone. 

They entered Zoara with ease, pausing momentarily when Bob tried to high-five the welcome hooker. It didn't go well.

Eventually, the derptastic courier and her two tall companions located the head Omertà. 

"Cachino." Bob greeted, ambling over.

"Well, hello there Courier." The omertà replied, oozing with sleaziness. 

"Gross. Look, the only reason I came was to tell you if you keep doing the same shit that Big Sal and Nero did, I'll shoot your damn dick off, crucify you, and burn down Gomorrah. Do you understand?" Bob stated, with a vague hint of a sneer.

"Excuse me? Where the fuck did you get the idea that you have any fucking authority over me at all?" Cachino snarled, abruptly getting to his feet.

A Ranger Sequoia nestled in the soft clench of his gut stopped him short.

"Hmm, I dunno, maybe because you're a radroach compared to Caesar?" She mused mockingly, with a Devil's grin. 

"...I...I see your point, and-and I apologise!" Cachino stuttered, going whiter then a ghost.   
Bob beamed. 

"See? Not so hard, is it?" She cooed, tapping the side of his face with her gun. Bob abruptly turned on her heel, and strode out, a dumbstruck Arcade and Joshua following close behind.

"What, was that?" Arcade asked eventually, grabbing ahold of Bob's shoulder.

"What was what?" She replied casually.

"Bob, don't play coy!" Arcade snapped, pulling her back.  
The courier stopped short, and turned slowly to face her companions.

"That was me making sure there won't be any more Joana-like situations, Arcade. I'm at a disadvantage here, if you haven't realized. No one takes me seriously, because of my age, and the fact that I'm a woman as well doesn't help out either." Bob said quietly but firmly, unusually serious.  
Arcade and Joshua gained looks of unhappy understanding.

"Logic, in YO FACE." The courier jeered, snapping her fingers in a 'Z' formation.   
The two men stared at her.

"....I don't know why I did that. Never again." Bob admitted, with an awkward expression.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be a time skip, as it's a different dill same series, set post Hoover Dam.


	3. Post Hoover Dam Shenanigans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New Vegas is won, a party is had at the Lucky 38, Bob fucks off, has a confrontation with a ghost, goes to Jacobstown, and goes to the Divide.

 

It was over.  
They had won.  
She had won.  
Bob, the Ruler of Vegas.

'If someone had told me I'd be ruler of New Vegas a year ago, I'da probably had them institutionalized...' She mused, as she leaned back, against the walls of the Lucky 38 elevator. 

Negotiations with General Oliver had been rough, especially with him unwilling to listen to a thing she would say, because of her age. 

'Good thing I'm well trained in the art of Bullshit. A treaty with the NCR will stop a Trade Embargo, and with the Brotherhood, the Khans, the Followers, the Think Tank, The New Canaanites, The Kings, and the Families at my back, things will hopefully, eventually, become better then ever before.' Bob sighed, with a small smile. 

'Not to mention, with Arcade and Emily Ortal's help, Yes-man's all set with his programming, and is now less syncophantic, but still loyal.' She thought happily.

The doors slid open, and she stepped into the Cocktail lounge, frowning.

'Why're the lights off?' She wondered, flicking the light-switch-

"SURPRISE!" screamed a VERY large group of people-

"AAAAAHWUTUHFUUUUUUUUUU-" Bob howled, flailing insanely and falling out of sight.

Silence.

".... Really? " Boone's voice demanded, in disbelief.

"FUCKYOU." Bob hissed derangedly.

Once they had successfully coaxed Bob out from underneath a counter, the party began.

Everyone who fought in the Battle of Hoover damn was there.

Papa Khan was drunkenly singing with Regis, Jack, Paladin Ramos, Cachino, and Cass, weirdly enough.

The King was with Pearl and Loyal, and the three were talking with Nolan McNamara and Judah Kreger.

Boone was talking with Ranger Andy and a group of NCR soldiers who had deserted, with Rex and Roxie at his heels. 

Raul was in a corner with Dean Domino, Lily, and the nightkin formerly known as Dog/God. ED-E was floating nearby. 

As for Bob? 

She was lurking about awkwardly, looking like a Nerd at a School Prom, way out of her element.

The teen managed to sneak away to the Penthouse, when no one was looking, and sighed in relief.

"Hey Boss, shouldn't you be at the party?" Yes-man asked, from his terminal.

"Yep." Bob replied simply, curling up on a couch, with a tired, yet thoughtful expression.  
The screen flickered.

"Er...Okay. Why aren't you at the party, then?" Yes man questioned, confused. Bob cringed.

"I hate social events. I never know who to talk to, how to act, or who to fuckin' mingle with!" The teen huffed, with a petulant scowl. 

"Plus...I wanted some time to think. Specially about my promise." She mumbled, rustling around for the comforter she kept up here.

"Promise, my dear?" Breathed an all too-familar voice, and she froze, uttering a startled squeak.

The teen tilted her head back, and took in the Burn-less Joshua Graham standing behind her, with an amused smile.

"Uhnnnnnnnnnghh." She said elegantly, twitching. Joshua raised an eyebrow, and walked around the couch, sitting on the one across.

It took a moment for Bob to remain her faculties, and when she did, she went beet red, and stared at her feet.

"What promise?" Joshua reminded her gently, and her eyes flickered up to him.

"I made a vow, that if I survived the Battle of Hoover Dam, that I would lose my virginity."

Joshua stared at her with an almost comically surprised expression, his vibrant blue eyes as wide as she'd ever seen them.

Bob couldn't stifle a giggle, and she wiggled around, facing him completely with a catty look.

"Wassamatta, did I break you? Poor baby." She mock-cooed, with a ear-to-ear grin, leaning in close.

She abruptly raised a finger, and poked his nose.

"Boop." She stage-whispered, grinning even wider when he went cross-eyed.  
And with that, Bob dove out of her chair, and pelted towards the elevator, diving in, and slamming on the button.

"Bu-BOB?!" Joshua bleated, confused, whirling about.

"See you around, sexy." She sang, as the elevator doors slid shut. Joshua stared, dumbfounded, after her.

"...The hell's going on over there?" Yes-man wondered, amused.

-blahthisisaline-

Bob barely spared a glance back at the Lucky 38, as she slipped out of the Vegas strip through one of the hidden exits.  
Rex, ED-E, and Roxie followed close behind, having joined up with her at the Casino floor.

ED-E beeped a query.

"Hmm? Oh, we're going to Jacobstown." She murmured, holstering a ranger sequioa and the gun called 'A Light shining in the Darkness' at her hips. 'Oh Baby' was strapped to her back, and a ballistic fist on her right hand. She was clad in Raider Badlands armor, for the comfort factor.  
Roxie whuffed at her left, and she grunted.

"Cuz I feel like taking a damn vacation, tha's why. And I left a note, jeez." Bob grumbled, as the group began their trek to Jacobstown.

A day passed. 

The Courier and her non-humanoid companions were resting for the day in the Followers Safehouse.

Bob was fiddling with the Scripture Joshua had given to her so long ago, and Roxie and Rex were cuddling.

ED-E was floating in a circle, doing something robot-like.

Bob felt a twinge of guilt, at leaving the Lucky 38 so abruptly, and leaving only a note behind.  
But she couldn't stay there any longer. She needed a break from all the politics, the responsibility, the expectations.

'They call me The Mojave Messiah, for fuck's sake. I'm...fuck, I'm just barely an adult, still practically a kid.' She thought darkly, with a slight scowl.

"Cap for your thoughts?" A cool voice asked dryly, and the teen jumped, a startled squeal ripping from her throat.

"Holy fuc-YOU! I killed you! WHAT THE FUCK!" Bob screamed, scrambling backwards. 

Vulpes Inculta let out a derisive snort, stepping out from the shadows.

"Looks can be decieving, Courier." He said cooly, with a hint of a smirk.

"We have much to discuss."

"OH GOD THIS IS NOT WHAT I MEANT WHEN I SAID I WANTED TO LOSE MY VIRGINITY! I NO LIKE THE RAPE!!!" Bob screamed, falling off the bed, and pelting towards the exit.

Vulpes easily caught her by the back of her shirt, causing her to choke. She swung wildly at him, kicking and thrashing violently, eyes wide with terror. 

'Oh god oh god oh GOD' Bob chanted internally, feeling a panic attack approaching, as she was abruptly pinned against the wall, her wrists held in his left hand.

"Look at you...So easily restrained...Yet you are the reason for the Legion's downfall, and utter defeat. And a virgin, too, if your inane cry was not an untruth." Vulpes mused, his eyes eeriely similiar in shade to Bob's own. 

His scornful tone made her blood begin to boil; and he smiled cruelly at the seething look in her eyes, his right hand grabbing ahold of her chin. Bob jerked, and latched her teeth down upon his hand, biting down until she tasted blood.

Vulpes swore, wrenching his hand free, and back-handed the petite teen, making her head snap back, and splattering his blood over her face. Bob keened softly in her throat, pain arcing through her body like volts of electricity.  
She slowly turned back to face him, a look of animalistic fury in her pale blue-grey eyes. 

"Get your filithy, slaving hands OFFA ME! " Bob snarled, her blood-covered face twisted in an ugly, almost demonic expression of hate.

Vulpes merely chuckled at Bob's savage demand, throwing her to the ground, face first.  
He delivered a quick kick to the base of her spine, and withdrew a combat knife from his suit jacket, crouching down by her head.

"I must insist, you tell me your secret, profligate." The Frumentarii cooed softly, grabbing Bob by the hair, and wrenching her head back, forcing the teen to meet his eyes.

Bob grinned a bloody smile, defiant and proud.

"You might as well kill me assface, cuz I got no fucking idea how I did what I did. Maybe it's just pure dumb luck on my part, maybe it's the people I've befriended, I don't know, and I don't give a fuck." Bob laughed hoarsely, with wastelander wisdom.  
Vulpes sneered in reply, slamming her head against the floor.

"Hnnagh! Being...Being kinda rough, ain'tcha Vulpes?" The girl wheezed, coughing harshly.

"You killed my mentor, and are personally responsible for the death of everyone I know. I believe I have earned the right to 'break out of the box', as it were." The legionary replied solemnly, holding the combat knife at the back of her neck.

"Y've a point, as reluctant...as I am to admit..." Bob groaned, painfully rolling over onto her back.  
Vulpes gently held the knife to her throat, with an odd look.

"What..whatcha waiting for, Fox? Can't kill a girl if you're starin' her in the face?" She laughed, with a lopsided grin. The man stared down at her, his expression unreadable.

"I should hope not." A very familiar deep voice growled, as Joshua Graham came out of freakin NOWHERE, raising his trusty 45 pistol to the back of Vulpe's head.

Vulpes froze, a look of horrified disbelief appearing on his usually blank face.  
Bob coughed, and peered around him, brightening at the sight of Joshua.

"Oh, hey~I thought for a sec I was hallucinating, but you're actually, physically here!" She greeted cheerfully, despite the fact that she was a hair's breath away from death.

"Indeed. You caused quite a stir with your abrupt disappearance. We will speak about that later, however. Hello Vulpes Inculta, I must say, it's been awhile." Joshua purred murderously, advancing on the frozen Frumentarii.

"Aww... balls. I am so fucked..." Bob mumbled quietly, seeing the blazing fury in the former Burned Man's eyes. 

"You have no idea. I recommend you stand, Vulpes, and get the fuck away from Bob." Joshua ordered silkily, baring his teeth in a smile. The Frumentarii shakily obliged, shock apparently rendering him speechless.

"Y-you're-but-" Vulpes stuttered, the combat knife falling from his limp fingers to the floor.

"Whoa. This is like, seeing a double rainbow, or something, that's how rare this moment is right now." Bob remarked, painfully pulling herself to her feet.

Joshua snapped forward, hand blurring, and Vulpes sailed across the room, hitting the wall with a painful, meaty thud. 

Bob stared.

"....Hooooly shit." She said eventually, with wide eyes. 

Joshua turned towards Bob, looming over her, staring. 

"What? Have I got red on me or something?" She asked, wheezing a little.

"...Do you have any idea how worried I was? Do you have have a damned DEATHWISH?!?" Joshua roared, grabbing her by her upper arms.

"How do YOU THINK I FELT? And to come in here, and see you pinned beneath that monster, inches from DEATH-For fuck's sake, Bob!"

The courier's eyes went wide, and she cringed back wobbily, shrinking in on herself, wincing at the grip on her arms.

"...ow...." she whispered.  
Joshua's vibrant blue eyes widened, and a stricken look crossed his handsome face at her soft whimper.

"...Imma pass out now, if tha's okay witchu." Bob gurgled, doing just that.

\--------

"Nyurrgh. No more bananas, they belong to the moon whales." 

Were the first words to roll from Bob's mouth, as she hazily returned to consciousness. 

"Also, who tried to give me a message with a super sledge? I want to repay the favour." she groaned, curling into the feral position.

"You're awake, good." Came a familiar voice.  
Bob slid one grey blue eye open, and erked at the sight of Doctor Henry.

"Hey Doc. Guess I made to Jacobstown after all." She laughed, trying to sit up.

"Unless you want to jar your broken ribs, spine, and sternum, I'd advise you remain lying down." Doc ordered sternly, with a scowl.

"Wait, what? Wow, I musta been fucked up worse by Vulpes then I thought." Bob remarked, lying back down. She raised a hand to her head, and pressed down with two fingers somewhere behind her ear.

Henry jumped, as a vivid, shimmering blue halo materialised in existence, floating above her head.

"What the hell-" Henry gasped.

"Chill, it's just a Valence radii-accentuator. Heals me much faster then normal." Bob sighed, her eyes sliding shut once more.  
And she was out like a light.

A second later, Joshua ran in, having heard Henry's shout.

"What happen-" The former legate began, before stopping short.

Bob lay still on her back, her petite, muscular form shrouded in Henry's assistant Calamity's white lab coat, a vibrant blue halo slowly shimmering parallel to the top of her still head. 

For one glorious and delirious moment, Joshua Graham felt, down to his very soul, that he was looking at a sleeping angel.

And then, Bob promptly rolled onto her side, and sleep-mumbled;

"Chugga chugga choo, you SON of a BITCH."

Face-palms were had all around.

\---  
When Bob awoke, she was alone. 

Slowly, she sat up, noting happily that she no longer felt that all-consuming pain, just a full body soreness.

Carefully, she stood up, stretching her arms behind her head.

After a quick inspection, she realised she was wearing the spare clothing she had brought in her bag, a Memphis Kid outfit she got from the King, Calamity's white labcoat and she was barefoot.

Padding out of the room, she realised she was in the upper section of Jacobstown Lodge. 

A sudden vocal racket startled her, and she cautiously slipped down the hall, to one of the other rooms.

"-Now, Joshua, I'd love to kill this slaving filth as much as you, but think of the information he could give us!" Doc Henry was saying stubbornly, from what she could hear.

"You saw what he did to her, Doctor. A monster like him deserves the worst punishment possible!" Joshua's voice snarled back, the fury in his voice making Bob's skin tingle.

She pushed open the door, stopping the argument in it's tracks, as Joshua and Henry looked up and away from Vulpes Inculta, who was tied to a chair.

The three men's eyes' widened at the sight of her.

"Whassup?" Bob said simply, tilting her head.

Vulpes stared at her, wide eyed, looking back and forth from the shimmering blue halo, to the white coat that dwarfed her frame.

"How-what in the-" Henry spluttered, incredulously.

"What? I shouldn't be up and walking? Told you earlier, this thing," she gestured at her halo. 

"-Heals me much faster then humanly possible. Plus, I don't have a natural spine anymore, so any nerve damage Vulpes tried to do failed on a epic proportion."  
She stated absently, staring at Vulpes.

"You don't have a natural spine-" Henry started, puffing up.

"Yep, same with my literal heart. Hey, are you guys getting your murder on in here?" Bob asked bluntly, cocking her head.

Awkward silence followed her question.

"...Okay. Just letting you know, the best form of torture slash punishment is being trapped in the Sierra Madre. Fucking hated that place." Bob helpfully supplied, before turning on her heel, and leaving the room.

She wandered out to the balcony, and leaned against it, surveying Jacobstown with a small smile. 

"Courier!" A familiar deep voice boomed, and she beamed, waving happily to Marcus.

"Hey Marcus! How're things?" She hollered back.

"Good! Henry's made progress on the Nightkin Cure! I see you've recovered as well!" Marcus called, stomping closer to the balcony.

"Yep! Hey, is there a way onto the roof? I wanna check something out." Bob asked, with a quirk of her shaggy head.

"Unless you're looking to climb up with your bare hands, no." The supermutant told her. Bob huffed.

"Guess I'm parkour-ing it up there, then."

Through some careful maneuvering and a few, well timed jumps, Bob managed to scramble atop the roof of the Jacobstown lodge.

"Ffffffff. Never have I ever been more glad that Boone is a walking bootcamp." She muttered, brushing herself off. 

She looked around the roof, and perked up at seeing a large antenna.  
The courier trotted over to the large metal tower, poking at her pip-boy. She fiddled with it precariously, searching for a scrambled radio signal she had heard, during the second Battle of the Hoover Dam. She froze, as a deep, hoarse voice suddenly emanated from her Pip boy....

\----------------

Night fell.

Bob found herself curled up in one of the Lodge's rooms, wrapped in a blanket, dazed. Joshua knocked on the door, and she looked up, blinking. 

"You look lost in thought. What troubles you?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Mnnnh. Things." The courier said simply, snuggling in her blanket.

"Such as?" He prompted, sitting across from her. She said nothing, and stared at her lap.

"I need to go to The Divide." She confessed.

"Surely you must be joking? The divide is a death trap!" Joshua demanded, aghast.

"No, I'm not, and don't call me Shirley." Bob replied firmly. 

"I-what? Bob, there is nothing left in the Divide, I can't let you go so willingly to your death!" Joshua pleaded, with an angry desperation.

"I have to. Something is waiting for me there. Whether it's my past, my death, or the key to my forgotten memories that lies within the Divide, I don't know. This is something you can't protect me from, Joshua. " She murmured, her eyes darkening.

"I may not be able to keep you from going, my dear, but nothing in heaven or hell will stop me from accompanying you. I won't let you walk that lonesome road." He said fiercely, taking ahold one of her small hands.  
She glowed happily.

"Then it's settled! We'll drop ED-E and the dogs off at the Lucky 38, gather supplies, and then we head to the Divide!" she crowed adventurously.

 

A few days later....

"Are you entirely sure this is the way?" Joshua asked doubtfully, as they walked out of Primm.

Bob was clad in the Mark II stealth suit, with 'Oh Baby' strapped to her back, a katana strapped to one hip, and a pistol she had gotten on the way called 'Lil Devil'.

Joshua was clad in in his usual outfit, with added armour from an salvaged NCR ranger combat suit. Bob had talked him into getting an assault rifle called 'The Bozar', and his customary 45. caliber pistol was on his hip.

"The transmission I received gave me exact co-ordinates, Joshua, and my pip boy's never led me wrong before, so yeah, I'm pretty sure." Bob replied blithely, trotting ahead. Joshua barely resisted rolling his eyes at her back.

"C'mooon. Up this way." She urged, over her shoulder, bounding up the hill. Joshua followed at a more sedate pace, cautiously eyeing the coyote mother and her pups, who were watching off to the side.

Bob suddenly let out a girlish shriek, and he jumped, racing to her side.  
He was unprepared for the sight that greeted him.  
'COURIER SIX?'  
'YOU CAN GO HOME, COURIER'  
'THE DIVIDE'  
'LONESOME ROAD' the wreckage proclaimed in bold, visceral graffiti.

"...This does not bode well, Bob. Are you sure you want to continue on?" Joshua murmured warily, laying a hand on her shoulder.

"Damn straight, I'm sure. A bunch of stupid graffiti isn't enough to deter me." Bob growled, stalking towards the wreckage.

"I have a bad feeling about this..."The former legate murmured, following the Courier nonetheless.

 

\-------  
A week later...  
\-------

Bob ran ahead of Joshua, shouting over her shoulder,

"Hurry up! We're almost there, if my pipboy ain't lying to me!" she hollered, ducking round the curve of a rusted bus. The former legate ran after her.

The two stopped short, and their eyes widened.

A vast, wind-torn and devastated landscape lay before them, charred shells of former buildings dotting the surface. And lo and behold, there was a monstrous crack in the land.  
A rusted street sign off to the side read, 'THE DIVIDE.'

Silence reigned.

"Well, this is gonna be just rainbows and fun times." Bob deadpanned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe someday I'll finish this. For now, not likely.

**Author's Note:**

> Turns to plot and story in the next chapter.


End file.
